The problem of getting or no married is an actual one nowadays.
There are more and more couples who decide to keep their relationship “free” than to engage in a marriage.
What is the role of the marriage for the consolidation of a relationship and what guarantees this state institution offers to people who decide making this step we will learn from Diana Bordeianu – clinical psychology and psychotherapist?
In your opinion, what is the definition of the “marriage” in XXI century?
In XXI century the marriage is a relationship where both of the partners decide to unite their lives for an undetermined period of time.
But nowadays, people don’t consider a priority to make their relationships officially.
From your point of view, what is the role of the marriage in maintaining the ‘fire” of love in a couple?
Whatever a couple’s motivation would be to marry, this step is a proof of love and a manifestation of the wish of being close each to other. I want to emphasize that for every couple, marriage has a different signification.
Even tough, for some couples, the role of the marriage is “to obtain a credit bank for buying a house”; love is the thing that joins them. Nobody would buy a house to live together with a person he doesn’t like at all.
For the other couples, marriage is an official declaration of their love, manifested, also, through wearing the same name.
Some people consider the marriage a jail, others – a necessary and an important step from their life.
In my opinion, the marriage offer people a social status. I consider the marriage, like birth and death, an important step in a person’s life, which should be marked in a way or another.
I don’t consider that the marriage is responsible for keeping the “fire” of love in a couple. Everything depends on the attitude of people about the marriage and the way they behave with each other after doing this.
There are many couples who get relaxed after the marriage, thinking that they “will be together till the death will separate them”. In this way, the partners don’t give attention any more on the small things that keep alive the passion in a couple.
How would you explain the fact that many couples “don’t understand each other” after the marriage?
As I told earlier, the fact of misunderstanding each other after making a relationship official is the result of the vicious attitude that people have about this state institution. In a marriage there is never only two people, there are three of them: “me”, “you” and “our relationship”. If both of the partners invest in their relationship, it should not be the situations of misunderstanding each other.
Is the marriage a proof of respect and love between the partners?
Frank marriages can be considered a proof of love and respect between the partners. But he marriages made with different goals, are, undoubtedly, those ones that don’t resist in time. Even tough, love is the thing that makes these kinds of relationships possible; we speak here about different kind of love: love for money and love for social status of the opposite partner.
Nowadays, the classical cliché still predominates in the society: women are still “hunting” men with a high social status. These kinds of relationships are based on the partner’s needs in a certain period. Sure, in everybody’s life, the priorities change, and, in the most cases, the women are those ones who understand that the power of money and high social status can’t replace the emotions two people should live in a couple.
I always thought that nothing is an accident. Young women who are looking for men with a good financial state are immature women who look, subconsciously, for a masculine protector figure. Also, the men who invest in a woman is the man who doesn’t trust so much his qualities and tries to compensate his behavior through material things, feeling himself valuable and useful. When these two people meet each other, they have a special relationship, based on the needs each of them has in that moment: she finds in him the “protector”, he finds in her “the person who makes him feel valuable and useful”. They call this love.
Usually cognitive schemes resonate and attract each other. For example, many people ask themselves why “the lazy man” make a good couple with the “perfect woman”, how can they stay together? Well, the “perfect woman” never lets her “lazy husband” to do something, because everything he does “is not good”, “he is not capable”, so she decides to do everything by herself. In this condition, her husband doesn’t even try to do something, learning, indeed, to be “lazy”. So, the ‘lazy” man is the most suitable choice for her, because he allows her to feel valuable in her own eyes.
In our opinion, what chances do the couples, which refuse to make their relationship official, have to live a durable love story?
The couples that refuse to make their relationships official have the same chances for a durable love story as the couples that decide to marry. The problems in an unmarried couple usually appear when the need of one of the partners are frustrated, when one of them feels that the marriage is an important thing in life and the other one refuses this fact, ignoring the needs of the other partner.
There are also couples who decide to separate each from other because one of the partners refuses to make their relationship official. But, from my point of view, when people decide to separate, there is also more than just one reason in their decision. Certainly, if we look deeper in their relationship, we will find some other reasons, usually linked with the communication between the partners, which contributed to their separation. Often, the refuse of making the relationship official is just a superficial reason, which hides other frustrated and unfulfilled needs.
Do you think that the marriage consolidates a relationship?
In my opinion, the marriage offers a social status for a relationship. Also, for many people, marriage represents a proof that the partners are ready to “give themselves” totally each to other. Marriage can be considered an act of consolidation when we speak about an equilibrated relationship, where the both implicated partners invest in their union.
What advices would you give all the couples who doubt about making their relationship official or no?
I recommend all the couples to talk to each other, to tell each other their desires and needs. If both of them feel themselves comfortable in a relationship that is not official, nobody compel them to make it official.
I advise all the people to invest in their relationship, whatever if it is official or no. The success of a relationship is based on communication, acceptance and respect.
The misunderstandings in a couple have the roods in unfulfilled wishes and frustrated needs. But they are not bound with the marriage.
Only the constructive attitude of the partners makes the difference and the answer of the question: “Do they really want to make their relationship official or no?” each of them already knows for himself.
You can find Diana on her official Facebook page: Psihoterapeut Diana Bordeianu, also there you will find the project she is implicated now: Ateliere cu maniere www.atelierecumaniere.ro.
I would like to think that this interview already solved, in your mind, one of the biggest dilemmas you have had till now 🙂